I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
