As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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