420 ftw
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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