I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
