ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I touched a dick in church today
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
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