he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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