Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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