Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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