my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Randomize
