I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
