you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
