Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
