btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Randomize
