Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Randomize
