What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
