Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
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