his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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