i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
