I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Randomize
