i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Randomize
