Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Randomize
