I was born with a shot glass in my hand
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
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