do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
