apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
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