either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
