my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Randomize
