my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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