You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
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