do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
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