he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
