He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
