I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
