god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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