I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
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