I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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