remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
where does the pee come out of this thing
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize
