vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Randomize
