I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
