Heybabeimwearingurpanties
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
