I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
tell me about the eggs
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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