I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
