When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
