It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
