I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
