i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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