just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
