I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
