well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
