Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
