Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
